I didn’t plan to say it. I didn’t mean to say it. Afterward, I even thought maybe I had been rude. Somehow, in some magical and confirming way, my unconscious had decided and my mouth had obeyed. I’d had enough and I finally told someone.
Like so many at my age and living in my area, I have been in a dead-end job loop. I’ve tried changing to different jobs, but the same old minimum wage (or slightly better) workplace issues. My resume shows mainly seasonal, food service work, but I have also been a cashier in soul-sucking companies like Walmart and even Target during its short foray into Canada. I quickly grew tired of working for companies that make promises they don’t or can’t fulfill and policies which kill creativity as surely as the teacher in The Wall did.
These days, I am still stuck in that pattern and I am tired of people looking at me with that “You’re just a cashier” look in their eyes. I’m tired of struggling to pay my bills, forget about saving anything. I’m tired of not having the time to study languages or the courses for my degree, of being grumpy, tired mom instead of the shining example I want my daughters to see of a strong woman post marriage collapse.
Something has to change.
I have been playing with the idea of having a blog for years. The major thing that has held me back from diving in is fear of failure, but also this idea that a blogger must be pigeon-holed into one topic alone. My interests are simply too varied for that, yet, I know that I write well. I currently make consistent A grades as I push through the second part of my online English Literature degree. Even that one teacher who tried to give me an F on my final paper at the local college (which I challenged and for which I later received a B) told me that my writing style is “charming”. I think that means she enjoyed it?
So, I have been reading about starting a blog. I’m scared. New things scare me. Except, apparently, flying to Korea alone to take Korean lessons and be a tourist for a month, or flying to the Philippines to meet a guy I have only talked to online. Things like phoning customers or calling support because my till crashed? Uncomfortable. Planning to quit my job to tutor in English and write a blog as a single mom trying to break free from her ex? Terrifying.
Yet, here I was. I wish I could have seen the look on my face. The phone had been ringing at the local pharmacy where I had been employed for six weeks. Every time I got to it, someone had already answered it. I mused aloud to my co-worker, a lady from the office, that I don’t love answering phones and she said to me in a way that made me feel more than a little bit like a child that I had better get used to it because I would be doing a lot of it. Before my brain kicked in my mouth had already said, “Nah. I’m going to be teaching English! I just need to contact the immigrant welcome centre. I can sub there with my TEFL.” I had decided, but my mind had not let me know before my mouth let her know. Now, I can only wonder what adventure lies ahead for me. This blog, tutoring again, maybe teaching at the immigrant centre?
Looks like I had better start making lists of what to do next…